Midterm

I got my grade back from midterm it was an 80. I think I was hoping for better. Someone in my group pointed out that I took the midterm not the eating disorder. I tried my best and got a B for beautiful! I like that thought.
It is hard for me to get away from this A mentality. and my therapist told me that a B+ would be great. B+ I think that translates to enhanced beautiful.
I will try my best with this course and come out on top rather an A or a B as a final grade.

Juggling act

Yesterday I started class. It is a fast moving class and I intend to keep up and do my best.
I will have to juggle these things:
Recovery
School
duties around the house
I will have to maintain my recovery by bringing things to eat to class and having something when I get home. Also take care of any doctor's appointments after the ER visit so I can make sure I am taken care of.
School:I will have to keep up with my readings and assignments. Also make sure I can get my paper done too. I want a great grade and also the experience of learning that comes with going to class.
Duties around the house: I need to make sure things are done and dinner is ready when my husband comes home from work. Also keeping up with my cats' feedings and litter maintenance can be tricky, if I  become overwhelmed, I know I can ask Terry for some help with this. I know I don't have to do it all even though ED wants me to play "superwoman." I don't want another night in the ER so need to learn how to balance things in my life and to say no when I can't do things like going out on the weekend with a friend. This another part of the learning process outside of the classroom that I am still the struggling student, it will get there with progress!

When Parents have Problems

I have been reading Susan's Miller's When Parents Have Problems, I see that Pat was the problem parent. Instead of embracing who I was as an individual, she tried to stifle my individuality by comparing, belittling and laying guilt trips on me. She didn't see that I wanted to be me not a robot or a sheep following the herd.
In 10,11, and 12th grades, she used to tell me you will never write, or do anything good. She was projecting her insecurities about herself onto me. Or she fat shame me and compare me to thinner girls. If I wanted to listen to relaxing music, she would tell me that, "no one listens that your age." Instead of being happy that I wasn't into the drug scene, staying out late, or ending up pregnant, she complained about my music tastes. She was never happy with herself so she transferred those unhappy feelings on to me.
I did three things to break the cycle: I didn't bring children into the mix; I stopped the abuse cycle. I sought help for my eating disorder and didn't hide and pretend it didn't exist. I didn't take my hurt and anger out to others. I am trying to help others by showing love and compassion to others.
I believe that is we as humans ought to be doing is helping others within reasons and yet taking care to honor ourselves!

Observations

Observation: I have noticed that the "tough chic has helped me get through the tough times during my upbringing. It is like a big sister helping out a younger sister with the bully. Now I see it as a hinderance. Meaning when I have sessions with Miriam, I feel touch chic is there telling me to be brave and grin and brave. I want to let lose the emotions. I need to keep her where she is. Hard to do when she has been a part of me.

Myths and truths

Things that the ED told me 
Myth-I would like myself after losing a bunch of weight.
Truth-At first it was good,then it got to be an obsession then it became to the point where Miriam was mentioning hospital and I hated myself for disappointing her.
Myth-You can't be thin enough
Truth-Get too thin people will start worrying about you and making comments about you.
Myth-You can stop after a certain weight.
Truth-No you can't there is no magic number because ED will keep lowering it and you will keep going further in the pit of hell.
Myth-You don't need food to survive
Truth-Yes I do, food is medicine to beat the ED.
Myth-You can do anything you want once you get thin
Truth-No you can't! You get too thin, you will be too weak to do anything, and to think correctly. Due to no nutrients to the brain.
Biggest lie of all! 
Your life will be great!
Truth-My life was hell! I couldn't sleep without food dreams, I was constantly exercising, and weighing myself! I hated myself for it. Plus I went under Miriam's lowest target for me. I got her worried about me. It took her to mention the hospital and that doctor that specializes in ED's to snap me out of my fog to get on the right track!
Bottom line: ED is full of horse dung and Lies! Don't believe him. I need to believe the people that love me!

Change

In order for things to change, I have to be that change, that means letting people go out of my life that hurt me rather than help me so be it!
Also I will let in those that want to help me and lower my wall or guard.
I am responsible for my recovery and need to make small changes to make room for bigger changes. 

Way to look at recovery

I look at recovery as a can do attitude! Even when I am struggling, I see it as more of a challenge to get through and to get this done!


I also see Kacy Catanzaro as a positive image, she has this can do attitude that she will do the American Ninja Warrior. I am going to take this attitude and go with it! I will succeed and conquer this demon!

I see myself on top of my own Mt. Modoriama