Dear scale

Dear scale:

I am not going to get on you to weigh myself. 
You don't tell me my intrinsic value inside
You just tell me what my current number is now
Going on you will only bring back ED tendencies that I worked so hard to reverse!
I will not like myself and start reversing my recovery.
My therapist said " I am not defined by a number."

So I will not go on you when ED beckons me to!

Not liking what I am seeing

After going to drs and getting weighed, I nearly freaked out. It is hard not to let this undo my progress. 
I know I had a few ice cream treats and need cut down on those. I was also having my cycle and that didn't help matters.
I haven't been able to walk as much due to my calf strain.
There are times it is so tempting to do behaviors to lose the weight. However I know that is letting the enemy in again. I don't want that for myself nor will I feel good about myself if I did do things that way.
I am trying to reach out to the groups and Miriam more. I journal v. behavior.  I still notice one thing, I am more apt to take it out on myself when I think I messed up. So I will have to change that concept.

Mental Health Hero

Mental Health Hero

My Mental Health is Tracy Gold. She is an inspiration to me. I remember her as Carol Severs in “Growing Pains.” Her struggle with Anorexia Nervosa felt real to me.  She like me was teased about weight and felt the need to lose the weight.

         I loved her courage to do the movie, “ For The of Nancy,” after her recent battle with anorexia. I liked how she was helping others with her television recovery reality show, “Starving Secrets”. She used her experience with the eating disorder to inspire others to get help and get recovered.

Here is one of her quotes that I like, “You can’t enjoy Life if you are not nourishing your body!” I believe this to be true.  When I was at my lowest, I felt like an empty shell!

I think Tracy Gold is a strong woman and that is why she is my mental health hero!

         I have other mental health heroes. They are my therapist, my friend Susan Raymon, my husband Terry, and my brother Ed.  My therapist helps confront the unhealthy thoughts and replaces them with more positive thoughts. She was the one tell me that if I didn’t stop what I was doing to myself that I could be facing a hospitalization. She did this to get me to wake up and to see what I was doing. She was also there to cheer me on when I was doing well in recovery and encourage me when I felt stuck.  When I was getting down on myself about a slipup I had, she said it was “more curiosity. Recovery will be filled with ups and downs. She is a great therapist for me to have that sees the good in me and encourages it! ”My friend Susan Raymon, she helps me by encouraging me to be myself. She said, “ You don’t have to be perfect around me.”  You are fun and mischievous and that is why I love being around you!”  She also gives good examples if I am having a bad day or bad thought. She offers suggestions, when I am stuck on a piece. She is a great friend!   My husband Terry always gives me encouragement, even when I don’t want to hear it or believe it. He still persists to help me out during my trying days. He has gone with me to Old Navy and has encouraged me to stay with the agreed size and has steered me away from smaller sizes so that way, I am not encouraged to go the wrong way the eating disorder.  He encourages me to have something to eat, even when I don’t want to. He is a great husband and a friend!   My brother Ed, has been nothing but supportive! When I went through the eating disorder the first time in 2002, he has been a great support encouraged me. He has never been judgmental! He still supports me and is encouraging to me!

         In closing, I would like to say, I have a few mental health heroes to help me during my recovery and I am very blessed!  They have their qualities of being a hero and helping me, I am just glad that I have them in my life!

This Year In Review

This Year In Review

This year had some gains and losses!

This year got to see my brother Ed twice due to him taking care of my Father in Law. 

I learned about Western religions and gained a better understanding of Judaism and some of Islam.  I even got to learn more aspects of Christianity too. 

This year I grew closer to Susan Raymon.  I am so happy for this because she shows the kind of person I want to be.  

I also started being more social and joined on different events like coloring, solar eclipse, the pharm event where we fold bags and, they get turned into things that people could use. I also did an ornament event too.

We did lose some family members: our niece Jen due to drug overdose.  We also lost my father in law, Gerald Rosinski due to cancer and old age. 

I gained confidence and my recovery voice to say no! I don’t want to do this. I also walked away from a toxic relationship.  I feel like I can breathe more freely and be with people who encourage my recovery, and not tear me down or trivialize the eating disorder.

I took an awesome class Stress Management, not only did I get an A but I received lots of insight and great learning skills.

I had a great year!!! Good bye 2017 and hello 2018 may it grant me opportunities to grow and learn as an individual and be more kind to others without getting stepped on!

How Disability Affected treatment

How Disability Affected my Eating Disorder Treatment

                  I would have to say that my disability was never a factor in my eating disorder treatment.  When I first started treatment, the disability wasn’t even an issue.

         The first time that I went into therapy for the eating disorder, we concentrated on the forces that brought me to the eating disorder like the past abuse issues and my need for perfection. I never considered the disability an issue then.

         When I returned to therapy after getting my insurance back, the disability was revealed. It wasn’t a factor on how my therapist treated me as far as conquering the eating disorder demon.

        

         When I approached Miriam, with the eating disorder coming back strong, she made it her business to help me conquer the eating disorder. Yes this time it is a lot harder to fight, not because of the disability but because the eating disorder has more of a tenacious grip on me. We are working at loosening its grip on me through processing and me working on trying to be more kind to myself and not focus on the feeling that I have to be perfect. I admit that it is a struggle due to thoughts of acting on behaviors that brought me to her in the first place. I believe that with honesty, and hard work I will overcome my struggle with the eating disorder mindset. Also with trusting her and myself to do what is needed to combat these nasty thoughts.

Miriam does admire me on my strength to overcome the eating disorder the first time and deal with the disability at the same time.  She thinks that I am a strong person and if it did affect anything in the treatment, it would be the fact that she knows I can do this because I endured the abuse from my biological mother for not accepting me due to the disability. Miriam has admiration for me for fighting the demon and overcoming obstacles in my disability.

I will not be defeated with either the eating disorder or the disability!

Dear Ana!

This is from a friend of mine Natalya Raymon who wrote this awesome poem!

Dear Ana Why do you make me feel bad Each calorie I count Each piece of food I look at it Each meal I eat you hurt me You make me sick You say I'll reach that goal if your there You say I will look better My confidence is negative You take advantage of me You say you won't leave me You tell me to be in control Why can't you leave But at the same time I want you here I don't want you to leave I want you stay I need you to stay I want you to whisper the sweet venom in my ear I want you to stay by my side I want that goal So please don't leave me

Different thoughts

I am heading into the final stretch of my Stress Management class! This class was most enjoyable! I am learning and applying what I have gleaned from the class!
I had an awesome birthday! My friend Susan Raymon made sure I felt special! I  can't thank her enough! Also I had a great time at the hotel and at Olive Garden with my best friend! Another friend David Francis made me feel special too!


The best gift I got was my recovery voice!