positive ways of living

Going to make it my goal to live more positive
1. Help others
2. Read the devotions in the morning
3. Listen to what music that makes me happy
4. When an intrusive thought comes in, I need to ask myself, is this helpful, if not throw it in the garbage.
5.My biggest challenge is not to self-abuse myself with negative talk because it will be like Pat is still here.  I need to be more kind to myself. It can be done but with practice.
6.  I need to trust the process of recovery and let down my guard more with Miriam.

My Idea of an Ideal ED treatment place

The place would be in Fl close to the coast access to dolphins
Also there would be kitties there. Residents get to pick a kitty on level 2. That would be their kitty for the whole time of their stay. When they leave, they can keep the kitty. During that time, they cuddle and take care of the kitty, will help them send love to someone and learn to love themselves too in the process
The residents would get weighed backwards. Would be a smoke free environment.
Levels 3&4 They would go out and interact with the dolphins and swim with them.
During the whole process, they will have to find ways to build themselves up and learn to nourish themselves. Outside will be a pool only for levels 2-4. Also on the third level, will also learn how to help others too in the residential program.

Bathing suits

Come January, Terry and I are going to look for new bathing suits. I had to ditch my old ones due to weight loss.


My major fear is when I try on the suits is what will I be looking at? The carnival mirror/real mirror?
Also I am thinking this fear goes back to trying on clothes with Pat telling me that I am too heavy.

I hope I can sort these intrusive thoughts and enjoy the experience of getting a new suit.

Conflicting thoughts

I want to have a salad but the ED is like I had enough today. I had 2 small platefuls of pepper steak.  I just wish there was like no debate and I can just make one no fuss.  Maybe I should use the WWMTMTD?

dream I had

I had a dream that I was fighting with Pat and I called her a materialistic B**h.  What is scary I came close to killing her in the dream. I know she is dead for real. This anger inside my dreams scares me that I could hurt someone. So I keep it down so I don't hurt anyone. I may turn it in on myself in the form of the  ED.

Holidays coming up

1. I am so glad that Terry has to work Thanksgiving so I don't have to worry about making dinner and eating it.  That thought is very scary!
2. I am just not into Christmas anymore due to the commerialism and them pushing it earlier and earlier.   So if Terry has to work again so be it. I don't have to worry about hosting it here. Plus I don't have to worry about cleanup afterward and having the place in tip top shape.

Frustrated

Not such a good day. Satan is ragging me. I feel guilty about eating soup and following the meal plan. Just wish he leave me be.