Life's battles

Life's battles

In one corner we have an evil thing that could look like the devil. He is father of all lies and is known as the eating disorder.

He likes to take many jabs at his targets. He starts by comparing them to others and showing them what they could look like if they “ loose the weight.” If they do eat he either urges them to “get rid of it,” via laxatives or vomit. The other way would be to exercise it off. He tells his target not to eat that they will have will power.

These are all lies brought on by him.

Satan will throw jabs at the target telling him not to share their secret, saying that no one will like him. If they are in therapy and have a relapse, he will use shame and guilt on his target. “ Why bother going to therapy? “ “ You blew it, stay with me and I will make you thin!” “ Don't tell your therapist or they will be disappointed in you!”This is just their way of keeping you down and keeping you away from help or being truthful to the therapist. Also they show the fighter a carnival mirror to show them that “ they have a long way to go.” Even though the person maybe in serious trouble, they see this mirror and don't see the right mirror.

The person becomes the fighter when he or she is tired of the lies and jabs that the eating disorder has thrown at them and wants to punch back at the evil thing. This is when they will need their trainer. It maybe either first attempt at getting help they need, or if they fall and loose their way they can get back up again with the help of their trainer. To help the trainer to do his or her job, the fighter must trust their trainer and be able to come to him or her even when it is hard to or the devil tells them not to.

This trainer is also know as the counselor or therapist. Their job is to help guide the fighter to the truth about food, and how the person really looks versus what they see in the Carnival mirror. For the trainer, they must provide a safe environment for the fighter to come to him or her. Also be there when the fighter falls down, be there to help pick him or her up.

I am fortunate that I have a therapist that is there for me. I may have tripped, but not fallen. I called her before I really went down. I will be back up again.

I have that Eye of The Tiger! I will not quit!

My Road to Recovery

My Road to Recovery

My journey started in a typical fashion, that I would like to lose some weight prior to upcoming Las Vegas Trip in May of 2013. Shortly after I returned from our trip, I got an invite to my ex-family to join a party. These were people who have called me nasty names, which were contributing factors on how I viewed my self-image.

In late June, I gave myself a challenge to fit into smaller –sized clothing and then get an outfit from a store that I liked. I got to that desired size and I was elated, little did I know this was going to be my downfall later on.

Late in July, I started to see some signs from the previous time with the eating disorder. The signs are: wanting to exercise more, not wanting to eat, and wanting to go down further. I knew I had to grab the bull by the horns; I phoned my therapist, Miriam and told her what was going on. I thought she would be peeved at me for “blowing recovery.” Instead the answer was, “ thanks for telling me and being honest with me!”

We scheduled an appointment so we could start the ball rolling on recovery again.

I was pretty nervous that appointment day, wondering what she would say to me. In the parking lot, she mentioned that, “I looked skinny.” I was real nervous now. Luckily, she gave me a high five for being honest with her. I looked at her like huh you not mad? Miriam, my therapist, asked me, “Did you think I would be mad at you?” She said, “No, here is something to know about me, I love challenges.”

In August, I got this stupid urge to try a lower size, I felt guilty and

fessed up to my therapist about it. I told her I didn’t buy the item, she replied back,  you are a wise woman.

During late August to mid September, I was in a hard class and when I screwed up on an exam, I tried to restrict to punish myself. I hated myself. Terry told me to drop the class; it would cause me to go more backwards in recovery that is what I did. I felt freer.

In April of 2014, I got my first hospital warning. At the time, I didn’t think I was in any trouble weight-wise, however Miriam thought otherwise. She told me if, I went down under a certain target that she would talk to my husband about hospitalization. At that time, I was scared. I didn’t want to be there. So I wrote a proposed contract that would I would eat better and exercise less. I was good with it through June, when Miriam signed the contract till late September.

I received an invite to my 25^th class reunion and wanted to look good. Around October, I watched America’s Top Model. I found myself really wanting to lose the weight. I talked to Miriam and she said, “You can’t afford go any lower. Those models aren’t really happy at all. She gave me a warning that, “if I didn’t stop, I wouldn’t be going to the reunion.” I knew where that was headed.

At the reunion, I made myself eat there, it wasn’t easy but I pushed myself.

Late November, when I saw Miriam again, it was a hard session. I went under the mark. Yet I felt like even though it was my lowest target, the eating disorder wanted more from me. I felt bad that I was bad because I did the very thing she told me not to. She warned me again about hospital and then to see that doctor that specializes in Eating Disorders.

In my head, I thought she didn't want to work with me anymore because I screwed up so bad. I couldn't even really look at her because of my self-hatred for myself. She didn't want to give up on me, just wanted to find someone that could help her, to help me. During this time, my husband was out of work so we had no insurance for me to see the doctor or go to the hospital.

I made a conscious effort to give the scale to Terry, and for him to weigh me backwards and to e-mail the number to my therapist. Also no matter how hard it was I also ate. I decided that it was I would have more control at home and go at my own pace.

I would like to say that my days are way better than almost two years prior. Last year, I broke off a toxic friendship with a girl that didn't want to be helped only maybe to egg me on in the eating disorder. I wanted to move further in the recovery road so broke the relationship for my own well being.

Yes I have days that, the eating disorder tries to urge me back to that life, the difference now I don't act on the behaviors, I journal, ask for help, and talk to my therapist. I am hoping one day to be really free from the monster. I will take the good days and learn from the not so-good days and ask God for strength and guidance.

7 Ways to meet Body Positive

Seven Ways To Meet Body Positive Activists This Summer

It is summer now and you want to be with people that share the same body positivity that you have going. The question is where do you meet these body positive activists? Summer can be very challenging when we see signs to get our body ready for “bikini season.” This could make staying in recovery very tricky when society tells us “lose weight or look a certain way so we can be accepted on to the beach.” Here is a way to break the negativity find others that embrace that body positivity love that they have for themselves.

• Go on NEDA walks
• Yoga
• College campuses
• Malls
• Beach
• Amusement Parks
• Facebook

During the summer, the NEDA has numerous walks in various cities within the United States. These events link people that are in various stages of recovery with their eating disorders and others that have recovered. These people now are embracing what their bodies can do and meeting and encouraging others that they could love their bodies also.

Yoga could be a positive way to meet others that cherish their bodies, not what their body looks like but what the body can accomplish through stretches. I would advise to take a beginner yoga class to meet others that want to learn the stretches and be kind to their bodies at the same time.

At the college campuses, there could be some groups that embrace body positivity. Sometimes, during a summer session, the groups may not be active till fall. Another idea is, approach your classmates and if the feeling is mutual that there needs to be a group for body positivity, could send an e-mail to student activities director or ask your instructor about forming an alliance for body positivity at the college.

The mall may not be a place where people that embraced body positivity, but it is possible. There are community events that go on at the mall like the arts fair where kids show their artwork. There may be a list of activities that don’t include fashion or clothes shopping. A good place to start is to ask information on how to start an activity or get a table set up with body positivity affirmations. Another good idea is to team up with, people who do health screenings. I am thinking that people would come up to the table and ask questions about body-positivity and that is when one can spread the word about body positivity, and let them take some of the free stuff on the table.

The beach may scare people, thinking that they aren’t “beach body ready.” I saw a good ad that said, “Anyone that has a body, has a beach body.” If one does go to the beach, he or she should go with people that support them. This person should also set some ground rules, like no fat shaming anyone on the beach. This activity can be fun by building sand castles, sitting in the sun and enjoying the summer sun, but with sun protection. The chances are, if you are having fun and others see that, they will enjoy your energy and positivity too.

The amusement parks can be fun also. The idea is to go with some friends who support body positivity and have fun. Here is a good way to meet other people at the park, have you and your friends wear shirts that say something positive about their bodies. The thinking is that, while waiting in line for rides, is that people would get curious and ask about the shirts. This is a good teaching experience too, that either you or your friends could explain what you are doing and inspire others and share some love and friendliness also.

Here is another good place to meet some body positivity people, on Facebook. There are lots of groups that have a body sharing community facet to them. I know this isn’t the same as meeting someone face to face, but I think it is a good start. There could be a friendship that grows and later on meet some of these people when it is convenient.

I would like to say in closing, I have given suggestions on how to meet people that are body-positivity activists. We all could be activists in the body positivity awareness. We need to show love to others and quit fat-shaming others and embrace each other’s qualities and to point out what our bodies have done for us and carried us this far in our lives and continue to function so we can enjoy our lives as perfectly imperfect human beings!

The Dangers of being over confident

The Dangers of Being Over-Confident & Not Dealing With Feelings During Recovery

I understand the dangers of being over-confident in recovery. During late 2003, I became over-confident to the point of thinking I was over the eating disorder.

I was eating what I was supposed to and “had no guilt.” I thought that is what I was supposed to achieve in recovery.

What I overlooked were the thoughts and feelings that brought me to the eating disorder in the first place. I only had my main focus on the food issue and I thought that was the only thing to conquer, wrong! Eating and not feeling guilty were only a part of recovery, there were more aspects of recovery but I blindly pushed through recovery very fast and didn’t see the other parts till years later.

During this time, I became complacent in recovery, and letting my guard down for the enemy to reappear. I know there were thoughts and feelings that kept coming up; I think I tried to bury it in the background or not dealing with the feelings head on. I also hid my feelings from my therapist and pretending things were fine when they weren’t.

During this time also, I had a nasty car accident that ended me in the hospital. I put my energies into healing from the accident and pushed the eating disorder recovery on the back burner.

When I rejoined my therapist Miriam in ’05, after getting my insurance back, I wanted to face those feelings that have brought me to the eating disorder. Even then, I was still hesitant to face some of the feelings, due to my fear of emotion in front of Miriam. I hate to admit this but my pride may have kept me from showing vulnerability in front of my therapist.

It is scary for me to say that maintaining my recovery wasn’t huge on my list. Again, I thought I had already recovered and didn’t think that I still had to continuously maintain recovery. I believe this over-confidence has caused me to relapse and fall harder with the eating disorder because I didn’t watch for the hidden dangers that led me to the eating disorder. It is like going in a new city and not taking a map or asking for directions, the result is you will get lost or in a place that you don’t want to be.

Right before, the eating disorder resurfaced, I made a huge mistake, I thought I could diet and things would be okay. I found out again that the diet turned into the eating disorder and having me not like food again. However this time, instead of sticking my head in the sand, I told my therapist so I could work on facing my demons once and for all.

Looking back, I made lots of mistakes in recovery, due to being over-confident and not facing my fears and feelings with her. I am beginning to understand that recovery isn’t a one-time deal, it maybe a lifetime of learning new things about myself.

I know I can’t undo these mistakes and go back, what done is done. All I can do is move on and learn from them and grow from it. I know right now, I can’t say that I am recovered because; I still have things to work on. I can say that I am recovering and will continue to get stronger and healthier mind.

This Outfit is Off Limits

This Outfit is off Limits

My birth mother has told me that an outfit that I wanted to wear in sophomore year of high school was off limits. Her exact words were, “ you look like a bag lady in that outfit.” This outfit is meant for skinny girls. It was a one-piece jumper pin striped with ties around the waist. She made me change my outfit. That really hurt me, that the woman that was supposed to love me and encourage me said this to me. It felt like if I wasn't stick thin then I wasn't valued as a daughter. The outfit that she had me change into, I felt hid my figure. What message I received that day, was I better be real thin to be able to wear the cute clothes, or I was going to be insulted by every time.

I also remember another time in the fitting room when I was maybe 14, and was a higher size. She was stating that these girls in Sweet Valley High’s were a perfect size and they were older than me. She was comparing me to imaginary people in a fictional series and wanted me to look like them. It was an unfair comparison! I felt like saying, if you like them so much why don't you adopt them and give me up so I can find someone who loves me and appreciates me!

Also she showed me a picture taken at a friend's lake home and showing me how, “fat I was in the bathing suit.” “She was like look how fat you are there. You should be ashamed of yourself looking like that in that bathing suit!”

I remember another time when I was getting the veil fitted and I wore a lose summer dress; even in her sickness, she was like you are so fat! “You need to lose the weight before your wedding!”

I think this is where I equated thinness equals cute clothes. If I wanted to be cute, I had to be real thin and fit into the real small clothing to be deemed worthy.

I know in November of 2014, when I reached a real small size, I could hear that voice in my head great “you reached that size, let' go for smaller size, so you will look good for society's standards!”

I knew that size would be a no-no with my therapist, so I switched out for the “agreed size.”

Even this past November at the hotel, with my bikini, I heard the critical voice, the only difference I tossed it aside for the voice of reasoning that I just ate and I was at a stable weight.

Now when I think I hear the voice of ED/Pat, I have a note card in my wallet reminding me, I don't want to go to smaller sizes because that could easily send me to the hospital and I have tried it before and wasn't happy with myself even then. I also have at the bottom of the card what my therapist would say to me. It is that voice of assurance and kindness. I hope one day, I won’t need that card but it is there as long as I need it!

How Sizing Hurts

How Sizing Labels Hurts

There has been a contest where women were asked put what the size they were on a card and put it next to them. This could be good and bad. On the good side, women are proud and satisfied with their size. On the negative side, a judge that likes thin body types will vote for the thinnest lady and neglect the rest of the women. The prize would have been a picture with the woman beside her size in the magazine.

The clothing industry pays more attention to thinner sizes. It is like the thinner a person is, the more clothing choices there are. I have experienced this myself when I lost the weight. I also can tell you it becomes down right addicting! I wanted to try for the next size lower than the specified number than what my therapist set for me. I had this thinking if I could go down one more size, I could be worth something. A couple years ago, I got myself down to a real small size and my therapist was worried about me because she knew I wouldn't stop. She gave a wake up call and now I am back to my “agreed size.” I still struggle with this mentality. I do remember a time when I was a young girl, my birth mother Pat, told me that, those clothes over in that section were for “fat girls.” The inference was made that if I was fat, I would not be loved or accepted.

There are very few stores for, plus sized women. Lane Bryants does sell excuslively to those that are in the plus sized category. There are some sections in Meijer's and Walmart's. It is a big section though. The message to me is that plus sizes aren't rewarded but being small is.

I watched a documentary “Dying to be Thin,” it was neat to see a lady that used to model for small clothes, crossed over into plus sized model. Her explanation was, she saw what the fashion industry does to women. There were models, dying because they were told they have to fit into a real small size and abused their bodies with diuretics and diet pills, till the body shut down. It was good to see th at model say, “hey that is enough!” I am happy with who I am and I don't need to abuse my body!”

I would like to say that, it may take a long time for the fashion industry to be more accepting of what they deem as plus sized clothing, but if more women are willing to say I am fine the way I am, then there will be less body shaming, also that women won't be criticized for going to stores like Lane Bryants or shopping in the “bigger clothing department. Hopefully in time, there will be more fashion shows with, Lane Bryant's models. There are a lot women who do wear double digit sizes and they want stylish clothes and not be penalized by the fashion industry because they aren't that size.

In closing,there should not be anymore models starving themselves to death to get into a size that their body was never made for! I did hear in another documentary, that fashion industry will no longer allow real small sized models on the runway, due to the body image and England has cut out small sized model advertisements on their subway stations. So good for them! Let's hope that the fashion industry shows more body-positive love for other models!

How to Maintain recovery with a cold or Flu

How To Maintain Recovery With a Cold or Flu

Maintaining recovery is already tricky. However you throw in a cold or flu, then it either gets real to darn near impossible! What makes it so hard is that when you have a cold or flu, there goes the appetite. Therefore maintaining your daily meal plan could be thrown off too. Also you may not be able to smell the food; due to a head cold, and if you have a chest cold and are coughing a lot and you feel like you are going to choke on the food, it makes eating very hard! Another thing that can get us derailed is that evil voice telling us that since we have either a cold or the flu we don’t need to eat. We need to stay one step ahead of him and keep our recovery going on track.

Here are some helpful tips:

• Maintain your meal plan and keep hydrated
• Get as much rest
• Stay away from the gym or exercise equipment at the house.
• Be gentle with yourself

In the maintaining the meal plan, maybe easier said than done, this can be done. Try and eat at the same times that you normally would, even if you don’t feel hungry. Remember food is fuel and medicine to keep your body maintained. Also consider buying some Boost or Ensure in the adult nutrition aisle of your grocery store. These will help give your body the nutrients it needs and also soup is also good when you are sick. Remember to drink fluids, juices, water and tea, these keep you hydrated also. When I am sick, I keep a normal routine of mealtimes and I also drink extra water, tea, and juice. I have noticed I feel better doing this.

Get as much rest as you can. This could mean either naps throughout the day, or lying on the couch watching your favorite movies. I have done this. I also have two kitty nurses that lay with me and keep me company.

During this time, it is best not to exercise too strenuously or keep it to a light minimum, so staying away from the gym or off the exercise equipment at home is a real good idea. I know for me, there are some days, I can’t do the spin bike due to I am wore down by the cold. Again that evil voice will call you lazy and use every excuse why you should beat your body down. Don’t do it, you will wear yourself down and will take longer to recover from the cold or flu. I had a discussion with the voice and I told him I was not going to exercise and to shut up about it, because I was going to honor myself and take time off from working out.

Last but not least, you want to be gentle with yourself. Your body needs time to heal from the cold or flu. Don’t feel bad if you need the extra help around the household chores. I know for me, this is hard, because I feel like I need to do it all. I don’t have to. My husband steps in to do the kitty litter so I don’t have to go downstairs. If you live by yourself, the chores can wait until you feel better, or do a little bit a time like I do as far as dishes and making coffee. Remember the goal is taking care of you and also give yourself a hug or do something nice for yourself like a hot bath during this time.