My Road to Recovery

My Road to Recovery

My journey started in a typical fashion, that I would like to lose some weight prior to upcoming Las Vegas Trip in May of 2013. Shortly after I returned from our trip, I got an invite to my ex-family to join a party. These were people who have called me nasty names, which were contributing factors on how I viewed my self-image.

In late June, I gave myself a challenge to fit into smaller –sized clothing and then get an outfit from a store that I liked. I got to that desired size and I was elated, little did I know this was going to be my downfall later on.

Late in July, I started to see some signs from the previous time with the eating disorder. The signs are: wanting to exercise more, not wanting to eat, and wanting to go down further. I knew I had to grab the bull by the horns; I phoned my therapist, Miriam and told her what was going on. I thought she would be peeved at me for “blowing recovery.” Instead the answer was, “ thanks for telling me and being honest with me!”

We scheduled an appointment so we could start the ball rolling on recovery again.

I was pretty nervous that appointment day, wondering what she would say to me. In the parking lot, she mentioned that, “I looked skinny.” I was real nervous now. Luckily, she gave me a high five for being honest with her. I looked at her like huh you not mad? Miriam, my therapist, asked me, “Did you think I would be mad at you?” She said, “No, here is something to know about me, I love challenges.”

In August, I got this stupid urge to try a lower size, I felt guilty and

fessed up to my therapist about it. I told her I didn’t buy the item, she replied back,  you are a wise woman.

During late August to mid September, I was in a hard class and when I screwed up on an exam, I tried to restrict to punish myself. I hated myself. Terry told me to drop the class; it would cause me to go more backwards in recovery that is what I did. I felt freer.

In April of 2014, I got my first hospital warning. At the time, I didn’t think I was in any trouble weight-wise, however Miriam thought otherwise. She told me if, I went down under a certain target that she would talk to my husband about hospitalization. At that time, I was scared. I didn’t want to be there. So I wrote a proposed contract that would I would eat better and exercise less. I was good with it through June, when Miriam signed the contract till late September.

I received an invite to my 25^th class reunion and wanted to look good. Around October, I watched America’s Top Model. I found myself really wanting to lose the weight. I talked to Miriam and she said, “You can’t afford go any lower. Those models aren’t really happy at all. She gave me a warning that, “if I didn’t stop, I wouldn’t be going to the reunion.” I knew where that was headed.

At the reunion, I made myself eat there, it wasn’t easy but I pushed myself.

Late November, when I saw Miriam again, it was a hard session. I went under the mark. Yet I felt like even though it was my lowest target, the eating disorder wanted more from me. I felt bad that I was bad because I did the very thing she told me not to. She warned me again about hospital and then to see that doctor that specializes in Eating Disorders.

In my head, I thought she didn't want to work with me anymore because I screwed up so bad. I couldn't even really look at her because of my self-hatred for myself. She didn't want to give up on me, just wanted to find someone that could help her, to help me. During this time, my husband was out of work so we had no insurance for me to see the doctor or go to the hospital.

I made a conscious effort to give the scale to Terry, and for him to weigh me backwards and to e-mail the number to my therapist. Also no matter how hard it was I also ate. I decided that it was I would have more control at home and go at my own pace.

I would like to say that my days are way better than almost two years prior. Last year, I broke off a toxic friendship with a girl that didn't want to be helped only maybe to egg me on in the eating disorder. I wanted to move further in the recovery road so broke the relationship for my own well being.

Yes I have days that, the eating disorder tries to urge me back to that life, the difference now I don't act on the behaviors, I journal, ask for help, and talk to my therapist. I am hoping one day to be really free from the monster. I will take the good days and learn from the not so-good days and ask God for strength and guidance.