Inside the ED

Chapter #1 Stepping in to the fires of Hell I started a normal diet in the fall of 2001, just wanting to shave off a few pounds. This was about the time when I also started Irene’s Myomassology Institute. I then started taking Metabolift; it gave me an energy boost. I found that I could exercise a lot with the Metabolift. My brother Ed gave me my first warning “be careful with the administration of the energy pills.” I chose to ignore or the “Satan inside of me told me to ignore the warning. “The Satan,” is referred to as the evil ED voice that likes to lie to us (ED suffers). In December, I started to skip meals and step up the exercise program. I guess it was to punish myself for getting into that accident in late November. Satan thought since I was “stupid enough to get into an accident and cause damage to the car, I didn’t deserve to eat either.” Chapter #2 Meeting the devil It was a start of a new year, which was then 2002. I thought why not make a better or skinner me. (The ED voice told me it was time to “really step up the diet”). January 22, 2002 I scored a 100 on my Reflexology exam. The voice said” keep it up no one will like you if you get less than a 100”. Towards the end of the month, I ended up in the ER due to a PID and UTI (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and Urinary Tract Infection). That didn’t stop me; I increased my diet pills and my exercise program. By mid March, I started to see a change in me, my clothes started fitting better, I started to loose more weight and I thought that it looked better also. This added more fuel to the fire, the weight lost=better people will like me more. My solution was to now increase the pills and forget the meals, clean the house, be the perfect wife, sister, student and whatever else I could do. Chapter # 3 In the clutches of Satan In April, I was really losing weight and keeping a busy schedule: clinic, clinical events, and class two times a week, finishing up electives, whatever I could do to find favor with the administration at Irene’s and had to say yes to everything that they asked of me. The ED wouldn’t hear of me saying “no,” told me that I could keep going and getting by with very little to eat. There were some days where I wouldn’t eat for two days in a row, just used slim fast or diet pills to get me by. On May 2, 2002 I went to Walmart to try on some size six jeans and couldn’t fit. I thought that if I could not eat and just exercise more, that I would fit into them jeans. That night, I talked to my brother Ed. I was sort of joking with him and saying that, “I wouldn’t eat till I fit into size 6 jeans.” Needless to say, he didn’t like what he heard and told me ‘“that there were other jeans out there and I shouldn’t do that.” The next day, I received an e-mail stating that I should eat nutritious meals if I want the energy. I shouldn’t try and loose weight my whole life and that these things could get out of control if I didn’t watch it. Again he was trying to warn me of the freight train was coming and to jump off the tracks. I wanted to heed his warning, so the next week, when he called, I told him that “I was going to eat the meals and not diet so hard”. It lasted till the next exam “the Origin and insertion.” I received another 100 and I had to do another practical on an instructor. I thought that I had bombed out but, got a B instead, which is okay for me. Later on that month, an apprentice came up to me and asked “if I was in a contest to loose weight?” I shook my head no. She mentioned to my main instructor Peggy and she asked “why I wanted to lose so much weight, couldn’t answer her truthfully; so I just told her, “I wanted to.” Right then, I wanted to admit that there was something wrong, but Satan wouldn’t allow me to ask for help. That same time, I was taking on another stressor, taking membership classes to be a member at St. Peter’s. The ED made me think that “I had to do it all (school, take these other classes plus keep up with my other household duties.) I was also helping my aunt with groceries every other week and cleaning the house and cleaning my friend’s house every other Monday. Sometime in June, I called and talked to my sister Sheila told her that, “I was down to a size 6.” She had asked me if, “I was doing what she thought I was doing (binging and purging).” I told her,” no,” and that was the truth. Chapter# 4 Breaking Point It was in late June and early July that I knew that I needed help, with this ED. The major breaking point for me was when I couldn’t eat a grapefruit without guilt. One night, I went on a website and did a self-quiz about how you know that you may have an ED. Scary thing; I met every one of those criteria items. The scary thing that I had to do was to face up to something; I had a problem that I couldn’t ignore anymore. I told my husband, it was so hard to do was to admit that “I was a failure, because of this ED.” Tuesday the 2nd of July, I placed that call to my brother, whom I admired and loved very dearly. That night, I have never been so scared of anything but I knew that had to tell the truth let him know. Part of me was terrified, thinking that he would hate me because of this. After I made a promise to him that I would eat nutritiously and the other part of me, who thought so low of myself, thinking “look what you did you big dummy!” Instead of hating me, he told me “that he didn’t hate me and that if there was anything that he could do for me, he would.” Told him that, “I thought of the world of him and he told me the same for me.” July 4th, my friend Gabrielle Gamache called me and I told her and she took the news great. She told me that she always suspected that I did. The sixth of July, my brother and his family came in from Virginia. He gave me a hug and said that, “I look great!” He did ask if “I ate?” I did eat two pieces of pizza. It was not an easy task either. My other sister Sheila, told me outside that, “I lost a lot of weight and better level off.” Tuesday the ninth of July, I went to class and later that night went to dinner with my brother and his family. He told me that “I didn’t have to get a hundred on each exam,”hoping to take the pressure off me. The next day I went to Cedar Point with them and had a great time! I believe this what I needed to have fun with a family that accepted me for what I was on the inside not on the outside. They watched out for me and made sure that I ate a snack and some dinner. The next day, my brother bought me breakfast and we had another full day at Cedar Point. He shared his fries with me during the day. When we were through for the day, Ed and I talked and told him, “that I was sorry for deceiving him about the eating and don’t know what happened.” He took it real well and thought that maybe all the stress had something to do with it. After I came home, then the next day, had to face my now ex-family. Chapter #5 Facing up to the Challenges Some of the challenges that I faced up to were the individuals feeding the ED. These people are my ex-family. My ex-sister Liane, all she could say was that, “you look so much better now that you’re thinner.” These individuals didn’t care about the real me; all they like is the thin, pretty person. I knew then and there that I had to cut the ties with that part of my life, being is that they don’t accept me as I am. Tuesday, took my basic exam and was getting edgy because, I thought that I screwed up on the test. Talked to another apprentice there and told her that I had an ED but made her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone, for fear that they may not like me anymore at Irene’s. I received a 92 on the exam. My next challenge was the final exam; it seemed like the hardest ones. One Monday, I went to a support group, it didn’t seem like I belonged there because everyone else was thin and here I was a “blimp” in my own mind. These meetings were at William Beaumont West in Royal Oak. Everything seem to be going fine until I got a 91 on the Therapeutic exam, I wanted to lose my dinner. I tried e-mailing the moderator at the meetings and no answer. I was mad at myself for not getting a 100 on the exam. Thank God, my sister Sheila talked to me that night, I never did tell her what was on my mind though, couldn’t tell her what an idiot I really was. It felt like I was on the edge and no one to grab me and pull me back. The 27th of August, we had our last day of the weekly class, and had to eat food. That was hard for me to do because, food was the enemy, but not eating would draw attention to myself and that was the last thing I needed. Chapter #6 Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel Friday August 30th, I went out to dinner with my friend Gab. It wasn’t that hard because, she kept me laughing through the whole meal, which kept me distracted and not having to think about eating. I just enjoyed being with her and having fun. The next day, my husband and I flew out to Virginia to stay with my brother. It was great seeing him again! He greeted me with a hug. We had dinner at his house, that night; again it seemed relaxing because I was with people that I loved. That week, I was thinking that maybe just maybe I can beat this thing with no outside intervention. It is easier being in a relaxed environment, and the teasing wasn’t cruel, just in fun. At the end of the week, going back home was hard, because I knew, what faced me starting an apprenticeship with Irene Gauthier. My brother gave me a hug goodbye, and then we journeyed back home to Michigan. Chapter # 7 Treading Water in uncharted Sea September 9, 2002, I started to apprentice for Irene Gauthier, I was very scared and unsure of myself. Truth is told I didn’t know what I was getting into. Then like hit of cold water, my eyes were open on how this woman operated! She was a perfectionist and wanted everything just so. I thought that if I tried to do it perfect, she would like me better. Later on, I went to my aunt’s and she told me that “I was gaining weight.” I could feel it starting all over again, just what “Satan” needed to hear and start pushing me in the wrong direction. The second week, it wasn’t getting any easier. In fact, I really tempted to “throw in the towel.” I wrote to my brother and he gave a good wake up call back. Told me that I have to stop listening to what people tell me about my weight and other personal matters; that I needed to put my direction I graduated; I felt that I accomplished something getting my diploma. The ED had other notions, that I to keep pushing, studying for the National Certification and to pass the first time. What do I usually do when the pressure is heaped on me like a mountain? I turn to the only thing “diet pills or the magical answer to my problems. It wasn’t too long before people started figuring out what I was doing. I even bought laxatives just to lose the weight faster or so I thought it would. Again, I asked for my brother Ed’s advice. He told me to “get medical diagnoses.” Saturday, I took the laxative back to Kmart, and the following Thursday, I went to the Dr.’s and they told me what I had already knew, Anorexia. Told my brother that night, while on line, and he told me that, “I was capable of getting over this.” Chapter 8 Finally reaching out for some help Sunday, I went to Gab’s house and we talked. She told me that I should get some therapy. I first balked at the idea. I was a former Psych. Major; it wouldn’t look too good me getting therapy. Gab, must have sensed my fears because she was telling me the good points about therapy. The week before my first appointment, my now therapist Miriam, called me and told me that I was to meet with her. She seemed so sweet and understanding, so I got the details about where I should be and what time. The 29th of October, I went into the office, and was very nervous! Miriam must have known that I was; she tried to relax me with some deep breaths. I chilled out and she just asked some preliminary stuff on my intake form. I could see that she was very nice, that is going to be a workable relationship, but I knew that it was going to be a lot of work on my part just get through this. Chapter #9 Breaking through the Murky Water November 5, 2002 I had my second session with Miriam. We started to break through some of the ugly stuff. The family relations and what forces could have brought me to this point. Some of the stuff was really hard to touch on due to the gravity of the situation. It is really hard for me to understand how a parent could treat their child the way my dad’s first wife treated me. The way she used to call me fat all the time and try to strangle me back in my junior year of Maybe this ED was a band aid to cover up the pain inside of me. During some of the sessions, if it got too much for me to handle, Miriam told me to “think of a safe place”. Through more sessions, I began to see that I was a decent person and needed to see that for myself. Chapter #10 Change of a New Year This was the year that I was going to go for the gusto which meant kicking the ED once and for all. I still knew that I had plenty of work ahead of me, and more processing of memories that are hard to revisit again. I know that I had to sort through them to heal from them and go on from there. In April, a bad repressed memory made its way to the surface was about my ex-brother Tom making me do something that I should have never done or taking an advantage of naïve 8 yr. old. This brought so much distress to me that I delve into the diet pills again. Just like an alcoholic turning to liquor when times get stressful, I went to my old crutch. It seemed like Satan was telling me that since” I was a disgusting pig, I should take the diet pills because I didn’t deserve to recover from the ED.” I talked to Gab on Good Friday, and told Gab what happened and she said “it wasn’t my fault and that I should tell Miriam about this.” I made her a promise that I would. The following Tuesday, I told Miriam what happened and she said “that I shouldn’t feel bad, because he did wrong not I.” This took me awhile to get over but I did, then in May final exams happened. I got a B and was quite upset at myself because I studied. My brother told me to “stop worrying about an A, just relax and have fun and that I was doing fine.” The Friday before Memorial Day, Terry and I went to Cedar Point. We went on the newest roller coaster “The Top Thrill Dragster.” It was fast and fun, I felt then if I could handle that, then I could handle my next feat which was tandem skydiving. Chapter #11 Soaring through the Clouds On July 19, 2003, I went tandem skydiving. It was scary, stepping out of the plane, but once out, it felt like I was finally free of everything holding me back. I felt like I was soaring through the clouds. What a rush, this one experience that I will not forget and would love to indulge in sometime in the future. If I can do this, then I am defiantly capable of kick the ED’s glutes! Around that time, I signed up for my Psychology class. My brother asked me if “I was taking this for fun?” I said “yes”. In August, I ended my apprenticeship on the 25th of August. It felt good for me to do a year and say “no” to doing it again. Chapter 12 Finally breaking free In my psychology class, we talked about the ED chapter and sharing it didn’t bother me one bit. In fact, I felt a lot more free doing so. I then found out that there others like me and that I wasn’t alone. I went to another meeting, I really didn’t like it was still cliquish from when I left it back in the summer of 2002, and at least I can say that I tried it. Miriam has been giving me a lot of positive feedback. This past Thanksgiving, I was able to eat turkey without guilt and had a couple cookies that I made my brother’s family in Virginia. I feel that I am finally in full recovery and that “Satan” has no power over me anymore. Another thing that has been helping me is going to church services; the correlation is that the more I lean on my faith, the less the ED can bother me. Miriam tends to agree that I am doing quite well and used my own strength to pull myself out of the black abyss or the nightmare called ED. After words I have learned some interesting thing from this journey through the ED. I know now that I have a lot more strength than I gave myself credit for, feeling things deeper, having more empathy for human suffering especially with this disorder, have a greater appreciation for life itself and not to take anything for granted, and finally most of all Learning to love myself for who I am, not for the size of clothing that I wear, or what I look like on the outside. In the future, if I could help anyone not to go through this despair, I would love to help him or her. I would love to take the tools which I have learned and teach others to like themselves first and foremost and that they don’t have to please others just be themselves. This was a long and arduous road for me! Yet I stand victorious not because I conquered the invader but because all this time, I had the courage and strength in me to do it. I had a lot of assistance from people who cared and loved me to help me see it through! I fought the invader head on and won! Written by Katrin Alyss