Observation

I have noticed an observation: There are commercials dedicated to changing our appearances from weight loss to plastic surgery.
Message: We aren't good enough on how we look, we need to change our outward appearance.
However changing our outward appearance, may not change what is going on inside us. The hurt, the past rejections and not feeling good enough.
A lot of us use these messages to try and fix what we think is wrong with us, in the form of an eating disorder. Why? The eating disorder promises to change us and " make us better for society.

We need to know that we are enough! We don't need to change ourselves outwardly!
The change can come from within.
I am working with a great therapist that is helping me do that. It is a work it is a slow work in progress, but will not quit!

New Year's Resolutions!

New Year's Resolutions to People in Recovery

New Year's Resolutions can mean a lot to many people, however it could mean a new beginning chapter for a person in recovery. Their resolutions could be: staying with their meal plan, staying out of treatment centers, working with their treatment teams, and finally deciding that this year it will be the year to kick the eating disorder to the curb. I know for me, it is writing goals that I would like be accomplished with the help of my therapist. I know if I want to recover and accomplish my goals, I will have to do my part and work on my goals during the counseling sessions and also in between. I know this will take a lot of determination to get this done, but I know that I have the will to do this!

A letter to My Christmas Self

A Letter to My Past Self During The Holidays

Dear Katrin,

You grew up in a house with a woman that wanted everything looking perfect like the decorated tree and wrapped presents. You also had to look your best on holidays in dresses that were picked out for you. You also had to get nice gifts for your family. They had to be “mother approved.” If the presents were not acceptable, I had to go back to the store and exchange them for better presents. Also if the gifts weren't wrapped to her liking, she would tear it off and I would have to do it all over again. You had to put up with her standard of perfection because she was such a shallow woman devoid of love and understanding, that she couldn't accept anything less than perfection! During your teen years, this same woman embarrassed you in front of your future husband by saying how bad you looked. This woman never had anything nice to you and made you dread the Christmas Holiday time because of all the bad memories it brought to you now.

You do have two things though to hold on to. Your dad was a great dad. He loved the simple things and was a big kid on Christmas. Your dad even liked the new socks that you bought him, because you bought them for him and made him happy. He made Christmas fun and sang Christmas Carols in his own version. When you got married to your husband, you had a great mother-in-law that made Christmas fun! She was a lot like your father,who enjoyed the simplicity and having family around with them. Your mother-in-law, was always jovial around the Christmas time.She knew how to have fun with little she had. You knew that you could count on a bout of laughter with her during the visit.

In closing, I say, give yourself permission to make your Christmas traditions the way you want them to be. Enjoy them with your husband and your furry children because they are your family!

Love,

Katrin

Holiday Hero

Holiday Hero

I would have to say that my mother-in law deserves the title for being my holiday hero. Here are some reasons why she qualified for this role.

When Terry and I were dating, she gave me a box of chocolate covered cherries so I have something to open along with the family. Even though she really didn't know me too well, she extended her welcome to celebrate Christmas with them.

The next year when Terry and I became engaged, she made sure that I came and spent Christmas with them. She gave me hug and a kiss after giving her with a night gown. She was so overjoyed to be getting that. She also let everyone know there that I would be joining the family. I felt like I was already in. She was so warm and welcoming all the time.

During the time that she was alive, she always held Christmas maybe a week after Christmas or before, to ensure others could join their families on the actual holiday.

This woman was so giving and even though she didn't have a lot of resources, she made it fun to be there. She did a lot with the little she had. She loved her family being around and she lit up brighter than the Christmas tree there. She even had Christmas music there and just had great time hosting the family.

Prior to her going into the nursing home, she spent Christmas at our house. She loved it and enjoyed opening her gifts and spending time with her family. When she entered the nursing home, she just got a kick out of that we brought Christmas to her in the big party room at the facility. Even though she was gripped with Alzheimer's Disease; she still loved the holidays and had fun with us for as long as the disease would allow.

In the end, I would like to say that, this dear woman who had a heart of gold was also the glue that held our family together. She will be missed but very much loved!

Inside the ED

Chapter #1 Stepping in to the fires of Hell I started a normal diet in the fall of 2001, just wanting to shave off a few pounds. This was about the time when I also started Irene’s Myomassology Institute. I then started taking Metabolift; it gave me an energy boost. I found that I could exercise a lot with the Metabolift. My brother Ed gave me my first warning “be careful with the administration of the energy pills.” I chose to ignore or the “Satan inside of me told me to ignore the warning. “The Satan,” is referred to as the evil ED voice that likes to lie to us (ED suffers). In December, I started to skip meals and step up the exercise program. I guess it was to punish myself for getting into that accident in late November. Satan thought since I was “stupid enough to get into an accident and cause damage to the car, I didn’t deserve to eat either.” Chapter #2 Meeting the devil It was a start of a new year, which was then 2002. I thought why not make a better or skinner me. (The ED voice told me it was time to “really step up the diet”). January 22, 2002 I scored a 100 on my Reflexology exam. The voice said” keep it up no one will like you if you get less than a 100”. Towards the end of the month, I ended up in the ER due to a PID and UTI (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and Urinary Tract Infection). That didn’t stop me; I increased my diet pills and my exercise program. By mid March, I started to see a change in me, my clothes started fitting better, I started to loose more weight and I thought that it looked better also. This added more fuel to the fire, the weight lost=better people will like me more. My solution was to now increase the pills and forget the meals, clean the house, be the perfect wife, sister, student and whatever else I could do. Chapter # 3 In the clutches of Satan In April, I was really losing weight and keeping a busy schedule: clinic, clinical events, and class two times a week, finishing up electives, whatever I could do to find favor with the administration at Irene’s and had to say yes to everything that they asked of me. The ED wouldn’t hear of me saying “no,” told me that I could keep going and getting by with very little to eat. There were some days where I wouldn’t eat for two days in a row, just used slim fast or diet pills to get me by. On May 2, 2002 I went to Walmart to try on some size six jeans and couldn’t fit. I thought that if I could not eat and just exercise more, that I would fit into them jeans. That night, I talked to my brother Ed. I was sort of joking with him and saying that, “I wouldn’t eat till I fit into size 6 jeans.” Needless to say, he didn’t like what he heard and told me ‘“that there were other jeans out there and I shouldn’t do that.” The next day, I received an e-mail stating that I should eat nutritious meals if I want the energy. I shouldn’t try and loose weight my whole life and that these things could get out of control if I didn’t watch it. Again he was trying to warn me of the freight train was coming and to jump off the tracks. I wanted to heed his warning, so the next week, when he called, I told him that “I was going to eat the meals and not diet so hard”. It lasted till the next exam “the Origin and insertion.” I received another 100 and I had to do another practical on an instructor. I thought that I had bombed out but, got a B instead, which is okay for me. Later on that month, an apprentice came up to me and asked “if I was in a contest to loose weight?” I shook my head no. She mentioned to my main instructor Peggy and she asked “why I wanted to lose so much weight, couldn’t answer her truthfully; so I just told her, “I wanted to.” Right then, I wanted to admit that there was something wrong, but Satan wouldn’t allow me to ask for help. That same time, I was taking on another stressor, taking membership classes to be a member at St. Peter’s. The ED made me think that “I had to do it all (school, take these other classes plus keep up with my other household duties.) I was also helping my aunt with groceries every other week and cleaning the house and cleaning my friend’s house every other Monday. Sometime in June, I called and talked to my sister Sheila told her that, “I was down to a size 6.” She had asked me if, “I was doing what she thought I was doing (binging and purging).” I told her,” no,” and that was the truth. Chapter# 4 Breaking Point It was in late June and early July that I knew that I needed help, with this ED. The major breaking point for me was when I couldn’t eat a grapefruit without guilt. One night, I went on a website and did a self-quiz about how you know that you may have an ED. Scary thing; I met every one of those criteria items. The scary thing that I had to do was to face up to something; I had a problem that I couldn’t ignore anymore. I told my husband, it was so hard to do was to admit that “I was a failure, because of this ED.” Tuesday the 2nd of July, I placed that call to my brother, whom I admired and loved very dearly. That night, I have never been so scared of anything but I knew that had to tell the truth let him know. Part of me was terrified, thinking that he would hate me because of this. After I made a promise to him that I would eat nutritiously and the other part of me, who thought so low of myself, thinking “look what you did you big dummy!” Instead of hating me, he told me “that he didn’t hate me and that if there was anything that he could do for me, he would.” Told him that, “I thought of the world of him and he told me the same for me.” July 4th, my friend Gabrielle Gamache called me and I told her and she took the news great. She told me that she always suspected that I did. The sixth of July, my brother and his family came in from Virginia. He gave me a hug and said that, “I look great!” He did ask if “I ate?” I did eat two pieces of pizza. It was not an easy task either. My other sister Sheila, told me outside that, “I lost a lot of weight and better level off.” Tuesday the ninth of July, I went to class and later that night went to dinner with my brother and his family. He told me that “I didn’t have to get a hundred on each exam,”hoping to take the pressure off me. The next day I went to Cedar Point with them and had a great time! I believe this what I needed to have fun with a family that accepted me for what I was on the inside not on the outside. They watched out for me and made sure that I ate a snack and some dinner. The next day, my brother bought me breakfast and we had another full day at Cedar Point. He shared his fries with me during the day. When we were through for the day, Ed and I talked and told him, “that I was sorry for deceiving him about the eating and don’t know what happened.” He took it real well and thought that maybe all the stress had something to do with it. After I came home, then the next day, had to face my now ex-family. Chapter #5 Facing up to the Challenges Some of the challenges that I faced up to were the individuals feeding the ED. These people are my ex-family. My ex-sister Liane, all she could say was that, “you look so much better now that you’re thinner.” These individuals didn’t care about the real me; all they like is the thin, pretty person. I knew then and there that I had to cut the ties with that part of my life, being is that they don’t accept me as I am. Tuesday, took my basic exam and was getting edgy because, I thought that I screwed up on the test. Talked to another apprentice there and told her that I had an ED but made her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone, for fear that they may not like me anymore at Irene’s. I received a 92 on the exam. My next challenge was the final exam; it seemed like the hardest ones. One Monday, I went to a support group, it didn’t seem like I belonged there because everyone else was thin and here I was a “blimp” in my own mind. These meetings were at William Beaumont West in Royal Oak. Everything seem to be going fine until I got a 91 on the Therapeutic exam, I wanted to lose my dinner. I tried e-mailing the moderator at the meetings and no answer. I was mad at myself for not getting a 100 on the exam. Thank God, my sister Sheila talked to me that night, I never did tell her what was on my mind though, couldn’t tell her what an idiot I really was. It felt like I was on the edge and no one to grab me and pull me back. The 27th of August, we had our last day of the weekly class, and had to eat food. That was hard for me to do because, food was the enemy, but not eating would draw attention to myself and that was the last thing I needed. Chapter #6 Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel Friday August 30th, I went out to dinner with my friend Gab. It wasn’t that hard because, she kept me laughing through the whole meal, which kept me distracted and not having to think about eating. I just enjoyed being with her and having fun. The next day, my husband and I flew out to Virginia to stay with my brother. It was great seeing him again! He greeted me with a hug. We had dinner at his house, that night; again it seemed relaxing because I was with people that I loved. That week, I was thinking that maybe just maybe I can beat this thing with no outside intervention. It is easier being in a relaxed environment, and the teasing wasn’t cruel, just in fun. At the end of the week, going back home was hard, because I knew, what faced me starting an apprenticeship with Irene Gauthier. My brother gave me a hug goodbye, and then we journeyed back home to Michigan. Chapter # 7 Treading Water in uncharted Sea September 9, 2002, I started to apprentice for Irene Gauthier, I was very scared and unsure of myself. Truth is told I didn’t know what I was getting into. Then like hit of cold water, my eyes were open on how this woman operated! She was a perfectionist and wanted everything just so. I thought that if I tried to do it perfect, she would like me better. Later on, I went to my aunt’s and she told me that “I was gaining weight.” I could feel it starting all over again, just what “Satan” needed to hear and start pushing me in the wrong direction. The second week, it wasn’t getting any easier. In fact, I really tempted to “throw in the towel.” I wrote to my brother and he gave a good wake up call back. Told me that I have to stop listening to what people tell me about my weight and other personal matters; that I needed to put my direction I graduated; I felt that I accomplished something getting my diploma. The ED had other notions, that I to keep pushing, studying for the National Certification and to pass the first time. What do I usually do when the pressure is heaped on me like a mountain? I turn to the only thing “diet pills or the magical answer to my problems. It wasn’t too long before people started figuring out what I was doing. I even bought laxatives just to lose the weight faster or so I thought it would. Again, I asked for my brother Ed’s advice. He told me to “get medical diagnoses.” Saturday, I took the laxative back to Kmart, and the following Thursday, I went to the Dr.’s and they told me what I had already knew, Anorexia. Told my brother that night, while on line, and he told me that, “I was capable of getting over this.” Chapter 8 Finally reaching out for some help Sunday, I went to Gab’s house and we talked. She told me that I should get some therapy. I first balked at the idea. I was a former Psych. Major; it wouldn’t look too good me getting therapy. Gab, must have sensed my fears because she was telling me the good points about therapy. The week before my first appointment, my now therapist Miriam, called me and told me that I was to meet with her. She seemed so sweet and understanding, so I got the details about where I should be and what time. The 29th of October, I went into the office, and was very nervous! Miriam must have known that I was; she tried to relax me with some deep breaths. I chilled out and she just asked some preliminary stuff on my intake form. I could see that she was very nice, that is going to be a workable relationship, but I knew that it was going to be a lot of work on my part just get through this. Chapter #9 Breaking through the Murky Water November 5, 2002 I had my second session with Miriam. We started to break through some of the ugly stuff. The family relations and what forces could have brought me to this point. Some of the stuff was really hard to touch on due to the gravity of the situation. It is really hard for me to understand how a parent could treat their child the way my dad’s first wife treated me. The way she used to call me fat all the time and try to strangle me back in my junior year of Maybe this ED was a band aid to cover up the pain inside of me. During some of the sessions, if it got too much for me to handle, Miriam told me to “think of a safe place”. Through more sessions, I began to see that I was a decent person and needed to see that for myself. Chapter #10 Change of a New Year This was the year that I was going to go for the gusto which meant kicking the ED once and for all. I still knew that I had plenty of work ahead of me, and more processing of memories that are hard to revisit again. I know that I had to sort through them to heal from them and go on from there. In April, a bad repressed memory made its way to the surface was about my ex-brother Tom making me do something that I should have never done or taking an advantage of naïve 8 yr. old. This brought so much distress to me that I delve into the diet pills again. Just like an alcoholic turning to liquor when times get stressful, I went to my old crutch. It seemed like Satan was telling me that since” I was a disgusting pig, I should take the diet pills because I didn’t deserve to recover from the ED.” I talked to Gab on Good Friday, and told Gab what happened and she said “it wasn’t my fault and that I should tell Miriam about this.” I made her a promise that I would. The following Tuesday, I told Miriam what happened and she said “that I shouldn’t feel bad, because he did wrong not I.” This took me awhile to get over but I did, then in May final exams happened. I got a B and was quite upset at myself because I studied. My brother told me to “stop worrying about an A, just relax and have fun and that I was doing fine.” The Friday before Memorial Day, Terry and I went to Cedar Point. We went on the newest roller coaster “The Top Thrill Dragster.” It was fast and fun, I felt then if I could handle that, then I could handle my next feat which was tandem skydiving. Chapter #11 Soaring through the Clouds On July 19, 2003, I went tandem skydiving. It was scary, stepping out of the plane, but once out, it felt like I was finally free of everything holding me back. I felt like I was soaring through the clouds. What a rush, this one experience that I will not forget and would love to indulge in sometime in the future. If I can do this, then I am defiantly capable of kick the ED’s glutes! Around that time, I signed up for my Psychology class. My brother asked me if “I was taking this for fun?” I said “yes”. In August, I ended my apprenticeship on the 25th of August. It felt good for me to do a year and say “no” to doing it again. Chapter 12 Finally breaking free In my psychology class, we talked about the ED chapter and sharing it didn’t bother me one bit. In fact, I felt a lot more free doing so. I then found out that there others like me and that I wasn’t alone. I went to another meeting, I really didn’t like it was still cliquish from when I left it back in the summer of 2002, and at least I can say that I tried it. Miriam has been giving me a lot of positive feedback. This past Thanksgiving, I was able to eat turkey without guilt and had a couple cookies that I made my brother’s family in Virginia. I feel that I am finally in full recovery and that “Satan” has no power over me anymore. Another thing that has been helping me is going to church services; the correlation is that the more I lean on my faith, the less the ED can bother me. Miriam tends to agree that I am doing quite well and used my own strength to pull myself out of the black abyss or the nightmare called ED. After words I have learned some interesting thing from this journey through the ED. I know now that I have a lot more strength than I gave myself credit for, feeling things deeper, having more empathy for human suffering especially with this disorder, have a greater appreciation for life itself and not to take anything for granted, and finally most of all Learning to love myself for who I am, not for the size of clothing that I wear, or what I look like on the outside. In the future, if I could help anyone not to go through this despair, I would love to help him or her. I would love to take the tools which I have learned and teach others to like themselves first and foremost and that they don’t have to please others just be themselves. This was a long and arduous road for me! Yet I stand victorious not because I conquered the invader but because all this time, I had the courage and strength in me to do it. I had a lot of assistance from people who cared and loved me to help me see it through! I fought the invader head on and won! Written by Katrin Alyss

Life's battles

Life's battles

In one corner we have an evil thing that could look like the devil. He is father of all lies and is known as the eating disorder.

He likes to take many jabs at his targets. He starts by comparing them to others and showing them what they could look like if they “ loose the weight.” If they do eat he either urges them to “get rid of it,” via laxatives or vomit. The other way would be to exercise it off. He tells his target not to eat that they will have will power.

These are all lies brought on by him.

Satan will throw jabs at the target telling him not to share their secret, saying that no one will like him. If they are in therapy and have a relapse, he will use shame and guilt on his target. “ Why bother going to therapy? “ “ You blew it, stay with me and I will make you thin!” “ Don't tell your therapist or they will be disappointed in you!”This is just their way of keeping you down and keeping you away from help or being truthful to the therapist. Also they show the fighter a carnival mirror to show them that “ they have a long way to go.” Even though the person maybe in serious trouble, they see this mirror and don't see the right mirror.

The person becomes the fighter when he or she is tired of the lies and jabs that the eating disorder has thrown at them and wants to punch back at the evil thing. This is when they will need their trainer. It maybe either first attempt at getting help they need, or if they fall and loose their way they can get back up again with the help of their trainer. To help the trainer to do his or her job, the fighter must trust their trainer and be able to come to him or her even when it is hard to or the devil tells them not to.

This trainer is also know as the counselor or therapist. Their job is to help guide the fighter to the truth about food, and how the person really looks versus what they see in the Carnival mirror. For the trainer, they must provide a safe environment for the fighter to come to him or her. Also be there when the fighter falls down, be there to help pick him or her up.

I am fortunate that I have a therapist that is there for me. I may have tripped, but not fallen. I called her before I really went down. I will be back up again.

I have that Eye of The Tiger! I will not quit!

My Road to Recovery

My Road to Recovery

My journey started in a typical fashion, that I would like to lose some weight prior to upcoming Las Vegas Trip in May of 2013. Shortly after I returned from our trip, I got an invite to my ex-family to join a party. These were people who have called me nasty names, which were contributing factors on how I viewed my self-image.

In late June, I gave myself a challenge to fit into smaller –sized clothing and then get an outfit from a store that I liked. I got to that desired size and I was elated, little did I know this was going to be my downfall later on.

Late in July, I started to see some signs from the previous time with the eating disorder. The signs are: wanting to exercise more, not wanting to eat, and wanting to go down further. I knew I had to grab the bull by the horns; I phoned my therapist, Miriam and told her what was going on. I thought she would be peeved at me for “blowing recovery.” Instead the answer was, “ thanks for telling me and being honest with me!”

We scheduled an appointment so we could start the ball rolling on recovery again.

I was pretty nervous that appointment day, wondering what she would say to me. In the parking lot, she mentioned that, “I looked skinny.” I was real nervous now. Luckily, she gave me a high five for being honest with her. I looked at her like huh you not mad? Miriam, my therapist, asked me, “Did you think I would be mad at you?” She said, “No, here is something to know about me, I love challenges.”

In August, I got this stupid urge to try a lower size, I felt guilty and

fessed up to my therapist about it. I told her I didn’t buy the item, she replied back,  you are a wise woman.

During late August to mid September, I was in a hard class and when I screwed up on an exam, I tried to restrict to punish myself. I hated myself. Terry told me to drop the class; it would cause me to go more backwards in recovery that is what I did. I felt freer.

In April of 2014, I got my first hospital warning. At the time, I didn’t think I was in any trouble weight-wise, however Miriam thought otherwise. She told me if, I went down under a certain target that she would talk to my husband about hospitalization. At that time, I was scared. I didn’t want to be there. So I wrote a proposed contract that would I would eat better and exercise less. I was good with it through June, when Miriam signed the contract till late September.

I received an invite to my 25^th class reunion and wanted to look good. Around October, I watched America’s Top Model. I found myself really wanting to lose the weight. I talked to Miriam and she said, “You can’t afford go any lower. Those models aren’t really happy at all. She gave me a warning that, “if I didn’t stop, I wouldn’t be going to the reunion.” I knew where that was headed.

At the reunion, I made myself eat there, it wasn’t easy but I pushed myself.

Late November, when I saw Miriam again, it was a hard session. I went under the mark. Yet I felt like even though it was my lowest target, the eating disorder wanted more from me. I felt bad that I was bad because I did the very thing she told me not to. She warned me again about hospital and then to see that doctor that specializes in Eating Disorders.

In my head, I thought she didn't want to work with me anymore because I screwed up so bad. I couldn't even really look at her because of my self-hatred for myself. She didn't want to give up on me, just wanted to find someone that could help her, to help me. During this time, my husband was out of work so we had no insurance for me to see the doctor or go to the hospital.

I made a conscious effort to give the scale to Terry, and for him to weigh me backwards and to e-mail the number to my therapist. Also no matter how hard it was I also ate. I decided that it was I would have more control at home and go at my own pace.

I would like to say that my days are way better than almost two years prior. Last year, I broke off a toxic friendship with a girl that didn't want to be helped only maybe to egg me on in the eating disorder. I wanted to move further in the recovery road so broke the relationship for my own well being.

Yes I have days that, the eating disorder tries to urge me back to that life, the difference now I don't act on the behaviors, I journal, ask for help, and talk to my therapist. I am hoping one day to be really free from the monster. I will take the good days and learn from the not so-good days and ask God for strength and guidance.