Bathing suits

Come January, Terry and I are going to look for new bathing suits. I had to ditch my old ones due to weight loss.


My major fear is when I try on the suits is what will I be looking at? The carnival mirror/real mirror?
Also I am thinking this fear goes back to trying on clothes with Pat telling me that I am too heavy.

I hope I can sort these intrusive thoughts and enjoy the experience of getting a new suit.

Conflicting thoughts

I want to have a salad but the ED is like I had enough today. I had 2 small platefuls of pepper steak.  I just wish there was like no debate and I can just make one no fuss.  Maybe I should use the WWMTMTD?

dream I had

I had a dream that I was fighting with Pat and I called her a materialistic B**h.  What is scary I came close to killing her in the dream. I know she is dead for real. This anger inside my dreams scares me that I could hurt someone. So I keep it down so I don't hurt anyone. I may turn it in on myself in the form of the  ED.

Holidays coming up

1. I am so glad that Terry has to work Thanksgiving so I don't have to worry about making dinner and eating it.  That thought is very scary!
2. I am just not into Christmas anymore due to the commerialism and them pushing it earlier and earlier.   So if Terry has to work again so be it. I don't have to worry about hosting it here. Plus I don't have to worry about cleanup afterward and having the place in tip top shape.

Frustrated

Not such a good day. Satan is ragging me. I feel guilty about eating soup and following the meal plan. Just wish he leave me be.   

food plan

Going back to the egg in morning.  I want to follow the meal plan. I know I wavered off it due to body fluctuations not sure about my cycle.  I know satan hates when I keep to a meal plan but that is just too bad.  I want to maintain a good relationship with Miriam.

Satan needs to go away. I know working with Miriam will eradicate him.

Back in the saddle again

After having a cold this past weekend, I finally got over it. It made sticking to the food plan challenging but I did it. Satan was trying to make it hard for me. Saying don't stick with and put down that you ate in the food journal.  I know darn well, I won't do this. I haven't been dishonest with Miriam nor will I start.  I am sticking to my guns and keeping to the food plan!

Good food day

Very good food day!  I ate without guilt plus got my veggies in and a fruit also. Also yesterday told Satan to deal with it. I was going to eat within my food plan and he needed to learn to live it it. Put up or shut up. I prefer he just shut up and let me be.
I am hoping that the more I consistent follow the food plan that satan will leave me alone because I am not backing down from recovery. Also that when I continue to defy him he will get tired and go back to hell where he came from. This is my journey.

Good day

Today I didn't think about satan/ED. I ate good. Also I noticed a correlation that  I am more relieved since I dropped the class.  Today I saw The Conjuring with Terry. Pretty scary and creepy. It was fun to be creeped out. Also it was nice to hold my husband's hand during the movie. Made me think that we were dating again.

mixed feelings

Linda said that she would post the results Sunday night. I am very fearful of how I did.  I want to look but yet I am afraid if I do, will backslide me. I go over in my head what I could have missed. Not a good feeling! :(

Feeling so frustrated

We have to do normal curves in stats. I don't know what the heck I am doing with these. I feel so lost. I wish I could catch on as fast as others do. There are times that I feel like a jackass.

Today

Today we went over our homework to turn in. I knew I screwed up some with the math. So I asked Linda to show me where I messed up and she showed me an easy way. So if I get a little less than I desired it is a learning curb.

 

Today

While going through Angel, I saw my grade as an A thus far. I got a 10/10 in the homework and plus the extra credit.

I also took the initiative to go see Linda, when I was having trouble with a math problem. I got the concept of Standard deviation.
Now to tackle the other homework for chapter #2.  We are going in the lab Thursday hope I can catch on to what she wants us to do.