How Disability Affected treatment

How Disability Affected my Eating Disorder Treatment

                  I would have to say that my disability was never a factor in my eating disorder treatment.  When I first started treatment, the disability wasn’t even an issue.

         The first time that I went into therapy for the eating disorder, we concentrated on the forces that brought me to the eating disorder like the past abuse issues and my need for perfection. I never considered the disability an issue then.

         When I returned to therapy after getting my insurance back, the disability was revealed. It wasn’t a factor on how my therapist treated me as far as conquering the eating disorder demon.

        

         When I approached Miriam, with the eating disorder coming back strong, she made it her business to help me conquer the eating disorder. Yes this time it is a lot harder to fight, not because of the disability but because the eating disorder has more of a tenacious grip on me. We are working at loosening its grip on me through processing and me working on trying to be more kind to myself and not focus on the feeling that I have to be perfect. I admit that it is a struggle due to thoughts of acting on behaviors that brought me to her in the first place. I believe that with honesty, and hard work I will overcome my struggle with the eating disorder mindset. Also with trusting her and myself to do what is needed to combat these nasty thoughts.

Miriam does admire me on my strength to overcome the eating disorder the first time and deal with the disability at the same time.  She thinks that I am a strong person and if it did affect anything in the treatment, it would be the fact that she knows I can do this because I endured the abuse from my biological mother for not accepting me due to the disability. Miriam has admiration for me for fighting the demon and overcoming obstacles in my disability.

I will not be defeated with either the eating disorder or the disability!

Dear Ana!

This is from a friend of mine Natalya Raymon who wrote this awesome poem!

Dear Ana Why do you make me feel bad Each calorie I count Each piece of food I look at it Each meal I eat you hurt me You make me sick You say I'll reach that goal if your there You say I will look better My confidence is negative You take advantage of me You say you won't leave me You tell me to be in control Why can't you leave But at the same time I want you here I don't want you to leave I want you stay I need you to stay I want you to whisper the sweet venom in my ear I want you to stay by my side I want that goal So please don't leave me

Different thoughts

I am heading into the final stretch of my Stress Management class! This class was most enjoyable! I am learning and applying what I have gleaned from the class!
I had an awesome birthday! My friend Susan Raymon made sure I felt special! I  can't thank her enough! Also I had a great time at the hotel and at Olive Garden with my best friend! Another friend David Francis made me feel special too!


The best gift I got was my recovery voice!

Nasty Anorexic Sweatshirt from UK

There is a disgusting Sweatshirt that is Selling on Amazon UK. Some merchant thinks it is okay to make light of eating disorders. It isn't right glamorize it either!
Here is my response

Pro-Anorexia Sweatshirt

This sweatshirt shows horrible disregard to those that suffer from Anorexia and other eating disorders. I hope Amazon knows that Eating disorders are the number one killer in mental health. This is nothing to joke about or make light of.

I suffer from anorexia and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! Amazon needs to rethink this item, because it shows that eating disorders are cool or glamorous.  I think Amazon could do better by selling items that shows body-positivity instead of selling this awful item!

Closer to midterm

As I get closer to midterm, I feel the need to do exceptionally well! I want to set a high standard for myself.

My husband said, "don't set it too high because if you don't get it, you will get down on yourself.
Also want to do well in the journal assignments.
Basically, I want to do awesome in this class.
I feel this perfection monster rearing its head at me. Nothing less than a 100%.
I know this is unhealthy thinking, however it is hard to shake myself from it.
I would like to go for imperfectly perfect.


It will be almost a week before I see Miriam, I know I will need to discuss this issue with her, before I start doing idiotic stuff.

Back To School Coping Strategies

Back to School Coping Strategies

         Going back to school is filled with normal anxieties for kids and young adults ready to start a new chapter in their lives at a four-year university.  These concerns double for people with eating disorders because now they are faced with changes in either their mealtime routines, or times that they would go see their treatment team. Students with eating disorders may try hard to get the perfect grades and put extra pressures on themselves to bring on some unwanted eating disordered behaviors.

         Here are some coping strategies before you head back to school.

Ø Check with your treatment team to see you are indeed ready for either college life and what classes would be good or dangerous for you to take.   Obviously a class in either nutrition where they do calorie counts or weight management would not be good for anorexics.   If you are heading back to high school, let your treatment team see your schedule and advise of any potential trigger or high stress class schedules that could interfere with your treatment schedule and mealtime.

Ø Have a plan in place with your treatment team an who to call or text when it gets stressful like exams and more homework than usual.

Ø Try and keep a routine with your meal times and bring snacks if need be to your classes. (Talk to guidance counselor at high school or a social worker to be advocate for you with your teachers in the incoming school year to allow you break time to eat your snacks.

Ø Have a hobby that you like to do as an outlet so you don’t resort to ED behaviors.

Ø Exercise-only if your treatment team allows it. It is a good stress reliever.

Ø Hang out with friends and body-positive people that embrace you and your recovery.

Ø Pets are good companions to have, however may not be allowed on college campuses. Check with the housing authority before adopting a pet.  

Ø Make sure your college has a counseling or mental health center that you can go to when things get too stressful. If you are in high school, talk to a social worker there or a trusted counselor.

Ø Have your therapist’s number on your phone to call or text during the real stressful times like exams, that is when it is tempting to fall back into behaviors.

I know for me, when I have college classes, I tend to try to have perfect grades and when I don’t I take it out on myself.  I am now trying to enjoy the class and learn what I am supposed to learn. If I did select something that my therapist didn’t think was a good idea, she would tell me to drop it only because she thought it could be a temptation for me to engage in behaviors. 

         Make this school year learning and enjoyable one and don’t be afraid to reach out to your treatment team when you feel yourself wanting to slip into behaviors, they are there to help you not judge you!

Prevent Slut Shaming

Five Ways to Stand Up to Slut Shaming on Social Media

I have read the article on Twitter that a woman is called a “whore or a slut every ten seconds! I don’t know about you but I find this very disheartening when it is girls or other women doing this to other women.

         In the UK there were over nine thousand abusive tweets a day with the reference of whore or slut in them. Method 52 picks up these abusive tweets and flags them as abusive and escalating them to the moderators. This is good so that the readers of the tweets don’t have to worry about flagging them as abusive.  I think we need to stand up to slut shaming and say this will not be tolerated.  Here ways we can standup to this online bullying

Ø If we don’t have an automated flagging method on our Twitter let’s adopt it.

Ø Let’s flag abusive posts on Facebook too.

Ø Have friends in a group chat call out someone that is slut shaming and tell him or her that this won’t be tolerated.

Ø Have friends of the person being shamed on Twitter send out positive tweets to build that person back up.

Ø Have a feature on Instagram that picks up abusive posts and sends them to the administrators.

I have a Twitter account however I try and be encouraging in my tweets.  I think a safety mechanism should be put in place where women don’t have to see those harmful tweets. I also think that users that send these nasty tweets should get a warning and if it keeps on happening, their account should be suspended.

If I were to see an abusive post that was either meant for my friends or I.   I would flag it as abusive and send it to the administration group.  I would let my friend know and tell her not to pay attention to delete that post because it isn’t worth seeing. I would delete it the comment if it were aimed at me then delete the person and block them. 

In a group chat, if a person were calling a woman either a whore or a slut, there should be some group leader telling that person that this language isn’t allowed. If they still persist, report that person to administration. The group leader could message the ones that aren’t being nasty and also the target or targets and tell them that they will start a new conversation and delete this one, however the one that is doing the name calling will not be included in the new upcoming message. This way the one that is being nasty doesn’t follow into the next conversation.

If friends see “slut shaming to an individual, they should send positive comments to her on either Twitter or Facebook.  I think that more positive affirmations we can give someone, the better that they will feel about themselves. This will also show that we see that person as beautiful and it will cancel out the nastiness that someone tried to shame them with.

I hope Instagram has a safety feature where it blocks out these nasty posts so nobody has to deal with being called a “Whore or a slut.” I think that there should be way to freeze the shamer’s account for a period of time and an e-mail sent to them on why the account is froze.

My final thought is this; no one should be subject to slut shaming on social media sites.  These sites are to have fun and talk to your friends.  Slut shaming is harmful and another form of cyber bullying it should be stopped.   I would love to see the misogyny stopped.  We can do this if we stand together and show each other the love and respect each one of us deserves.

Empowerment Summer Hit list

Empowerment Summer Play List

A couple of years ago, I put together a CD of ED Busters when I want to feel empowered. Last year I found some more songs that would well on the CD and remade the CD with more songs.  These songs have meaning for me too.

Here are some of them:

Coming Out of the Dark-Gloria Estafan

Beautiful Life- Ace of Base

This Girl is of Fire- Alicia Keys

Strong Enough- Cher

Paradise- Cold Play

Sky Scraper- Demi Lavato

Shake it Out-Florence and The Machine

Things Can Only Get Better- Howard Jones

Pocketful of Sunshine- Natasha Bedingfield

The Good Life-One Republic

I want to Break Free- Queen

Beautiful Day-U2

Eye of the Tiger- Survivor

Unwritten-Natasha Beddingfield

The Warrior-Scandal

Promise of a New Day-Paula Abdul

Cry For You-September

I have also made copies for some people too that want to feel empowered. 

I listen to these hits not just during summer but when I have bad ED Days and I am tempted to use the eating disorder’s behaviors.  I listen to my play list and journal. It does help snap me out of my funk

So I invite people to a play list together that inspires them to keep on the recovery track because we are all worth it!

Attitudes

Our attitudes can help or hurt us. If we have a negative attitude then it becomes set in our minds on the way we think life should be and we can't fully embrace the good things because we see the glass half full.
Bad: I see this in my father inlaw, nothing made him happy and complained about things that people tried to do for him. Also now with him in a long term care facility, he has a whole list of illnesses. I believe this produced by a negative mindset coupled with a negative attitude. His mind sets forth a chain reaction of illness brought on by toxic negativity!
Good: I saw this in my mother inlaw when she was alive. She was positive and always so happy. She loved the little things that people did for her. I remember for one of her birthday celebrations, she clapped her hands, and said " someone remembered me!"  She was always so sweet even through her illness of Alzheimer's Disease. She always showed love to the residents and to her family. When she couldn't speak, she still leaned over and gave her family a kiss.
She was the example of being positive!

Pragmatic: I know there will be times to have a negative attitude when things don't right. A good example would be when the weather doesn't work out or the internet goes down.  The healthy mindset could be, how can I see good in this situation? How can make this still work. In other words making a negative into a positive.  There are times when Macomb's website crashes and I can't register. Instead of complaining why can't I register and not doing anything about it, I walk up there and register. I also get a walk and exercise out of the deal.  Another example was: Our wedding anniversary, we planned to go to the water park, but it didn't work out weather wise, so we walked the mall and had a dessert there and watched people. We can always reschedule water park or to be continued to a warmer day when we can both enjoy it!

Changing Cartoon Characters

Changing Body Types of Cartoon Ionics

I have heard that the group, Project Know, has decided to make a change in their cartoon characters by fattening them up to look like a more realistic body type. The reason for this change was that cartoons were fat-shaming kids by having characters in thin unattainable body types that no one can attain too. 

         I do believe this is a good step in body positivity!  There are kids that watch these cartoons and they need a body type that they can relate to.  This is will help kids see that they can like their bodies versus be ashamed of themselves because they can’t reach an unrealistic body image that the cartoons were presenting for a long time.  According to the article, teenage cartoons are stuck in yesteryear’s thinking that characters to look great meaning both genders of characters looked very thin and unrealistic.   The problem with these characters looking like this is that kids see this and strive to look like those cartoon characters even though they aren’t realistic.   It was refreshing to see that both genders got the fullness make over so it matches with the typical body type of both boys and girls.

         I do remember watch cartoons as a kid; I have never given any thought to what they looked like. I enjoyed the shows. If I did remember one character, She-ra from the Heman cartoons, she was made to look real thin and beautiful.  If I were a young girl looking at that that image, I would be thinking maybe I should look like that.   I know now that is an unattainable image to try for and no matter what I did to myself to get to look like that it would not happen. 

         Parents need to explain to their kids, that they may see some cartoon characters on television and in coloring and books with super heroes, these figures aren’t real and are imaginary people. The parents can have a dialogue with an older child around nine or ten and ask him or her what they think about the cartoon, and assure them that they look fine the way they are, and are loved too. I think parents should be good role models for body positivity. They could explain to their kids what their body does for them and how to take care of their body effectively.  Another thing parents could do is not body shame others that may be heavier or look different. If the parent does body shame, the parent should say to the child, “I was wrong to say that.”  Teach the children that though there are different body types out there, that person is beautiful.   If kids see adults treat their body as positive and treat others nice there would be way less body shaming!

Reflections

I am glad that my studying and hard work paid off. I got an A. Now the icing on the cake would be a 100 on the final exam or close to it.
As I move close to Father's day, I have lots of good memories of my dad. However there are a few that are not so good. I feel conflicted because I want to just remember him as a good dad.
I know he also gave me the incentive to do well in school. It was $50 for an A in a language but $75 for an A in psychology. Maybe that is where that drive comes from to excel. Even though I don't get paid anymore, I get rewarded in other ways, coffees a high five or maybe a new top.
I want to keep a healthy balance with this school stuff, however that side comes out where it is an A or nothing. I know I need to address that with Miriam.
Looking forward to doing that tape recorder exercise with her again.

Home Stretch

It is almost the end of the semester! Now I feel the need to pull out all the stops to make it a great exam! It is worth 200pts. Needless to say the pressure is on me maintain this A status.  What I don't want to do is give the eating disorder foothold to come in the doorway. I have to maintain a balance.

Also on the home front, been good to see my brother while he was here to assist the needs of my father in law. He is a great brother. I will miss him when he leaves but I know I can keep in touch with him while he is at home too.

AFRID

AFRID

         AFRID is known as Avoidant or restrictive food intake disorder, it was previously a known as a selective eating disorder (SED).  What this means is that there are certain foods are not eaten or limited due to: the way the food looks, smells, tastes, texture and even the brand presentation which could be have had a negative experience associated with it.

        

         I have had a bad experience with liver and chicken livers.  I couldn’t stand the smell or taste of them. I was told that if I didn’t eat what was put in front of me, that there would be no dessert.  Sometimes, dinner was so hard that I opted to skip the dessert. I thought that there were times that my biological mother would put there to eat, so I would be tempted not to eat dessert. Since she was always on me about my weight. Also there were no alternatives to dinner, or other choices to what was being served.

        

         I have grown up and moved out, I don’t serve liver or chicken livers for my husband and I.   I know I have choices what to eat and what to make.  Also my husband does not like liver either, so he will not want to eat this either. I also will have dinner choices that we can choose from. I am no longer afraid of what is for dinner because I know it isn’t liver nor will it ever be!!!

American Ninja Warrior Women

I watched the All Star Ninja Warrior women perform. I was happy to see that more women were picked to perform along the men. Even though they made mistakes, still good to see them taking chances.
Life is a chance. We either take risks or kick ourselves for not later on in life. Yes I made some risks that I shouldn't had but they were risks that I can say I did try.
As far as risks goes, I have done some risky things like: tandem skydiving in 2003, indoor skydiving 2011, tandem parasailing 2012, Skyjumping 2013, and rip cord 2015. I felt free during these and would love to do any of these again.
A risk I haven't taken is being vulnerable with Miriam. I know it will come in time, I can't rush the process.
Bottom line: It is good to take risks every once in awhile to explore life's possibilities.

Observation

I have noticed an observation: There are commercials dedicated to changing our appearances from weight loss to plastic surgery.
Message: We aren't good enough on how we look, we need to change our outward appearance.
However changing our outward appearance, may not change what is going on inside us. The hurt, the past rejections and not feeling good enough.
A lot of us use these messages to try and fix what we think is wrong with us, in the form of an eating disorder. Why? The eating disorder promises to change us and " make us better for society.

We need to know that we are enough! We don't need to change ourselves outwardly!
The change can come from within.
I am working with a great therapist that is helping me do that. It is a work it is a slow work in progress, but will not quit!