The Dangers of being over confident

The Dangers of Being Over-Confident & Not Dealing With Feelings During Recovery

I understand the dangers of being over-confident in recovery. During late 2003, I became over-confident to the point of thinking I was over the eating disorder.

I was eating what I was supposed to and “had no guilt.” I thought that is what I was supposed to achieve in recovery.

What I overlooked were the thoughts and feelings that brought me to the eating disorder in the first place. I only had my main focus on the food issue and I thought that was the only thing to conquer, wrong! Eating and not feeling guilty were only a part of recovery, there were more aspects of recovery but I blindly pushed through recovery very fast and didn’t see the other parts till years later.

During this time, I became complacent in recovery, and letting my guard down for the enemy to reappear. I know there were thoughts and feelings that kept coming up; I think I tried to bury it in the background or not dealing with the feelings head on. I also hid my feelings from my therapist and pretending things were fine when they weren’t.

During this time also, I had a nasty car accident that ended me in the hospital. I put my energies into healing from the accident and pushed the eating disorder recovery on the back burner.

When I rejoined my therapist Miriam in ’05, after getting my insurance back, I wanted to face those feelings that have brought me to the eating disorder. Even then, I was still hesitant to face some of the feelings, due to my fear of emotion in front of Miriam. I hate to admit this but my pride may have kept me from showing vulnerability in front of my therapist.

It is scary for me to say that maintaining my recovery wasn’t huge on my list. Again, I thought I had already recovered and didn’t think that I still had to continuously maintain recovery. I believe this over-confidence has caused me to relapse and fall harder with the eating disorder because I didn’t watch for the hidden dangers that led me to the eating disorder. It is like going in a new city and not taking a map or asking for directions, the result is you will get lost or in a place that you don’t want to be.

Right before, the eating disorder resurfaced, I made a huge mistake, I thought I could diet and things would be okay. I found out again that the diet turned into the eating disorder and having me not like food again. However this time, instead of sticking my head in the sand, I told my therapist so I could work on facing my demons once and for all.

Looking back, I made lots of mistakes in recovery, due to being over-confident and not facing my fears and feelings with her. I am beginning to understand that recovery isn’t a one-time deal, it maybe a lifetime of learning new things about myself.

I know I can’t undo these mistakes and go back, what done is done. All I can do is move on and learn from them and grow from it. I know right now, I can’t say that I am recovered because; I still have things to work on. I can say that I am recovering and will continue to get stronger and healthier mind.