This Outfit is Off Limits

This Outfit is off Limits

My birth mother has told me that an outfit that I wanted to wear in sophomore year of high school was off limits. Her exact words were, “ you look like a bag lady in that outfit.” This outfit is meant for skinny girls. It was a one-piece jumper pin striped with ties around the waist. She made me change my outfit. That really hurt me, that the woman that was supposed to love me and encourage me said this to me. It felt like if I wasn't stick thin then I wasn't valued as a daughter. The outfit that she had me change into, I felt hid my figure. What message I received that day, was I better be real thin to be able to wear the cute clothes, or I was going to be insulted by every time.

I also remember another time in the fitting room when I was maybe 14, and was a higher size. She was stating that these girls in Sweet Valley High’s were a perfect size and they were older than me. She was comparing me to imaginary people in a fictional series and wanted me to look like them. It was an unfair comparison! I felt like saying, if you like them so much why don't you adopt them and give me up so I can find someone who loves me and appreciates me!

Also she showed me a picture taken at a friend's lake home and showing me how, “fat I was in the bathing suit.” “She was like look how fat you are there. You should be ashamed of yourself looking like that in that bathing suit!”

I remember another time when I was getting the veil fitted and I wore a lose summer dress; even in her sickness, she was like you are so fat! “You need to lose the weight before your wedding!”

I think this is where I equated thinness equals cute clothes. If I wanted to be cute, I had to be real thin and fit into the real small clothing to be deemed worthy.

I know in November of 2014, when I reached a real small size, I could hear that voice in my head great “you reached that size, let' go for smaller size, so you will look good for society's standards!”

I knew that size would be a no-no with my therapist, so I switched out for the “agreed size.”

Even this past November at the hotel, with my bikini, I heard the critical voice, the only difference I tossed it aside for the voice of reasoning that I just ate and I was at a stable weight.

Now when I think I hear the voice of ED/Pat, I have a note card in my wallet reminding me, I don't want to go to smaller sizes because that could easily send me to the hospital and I have tried it before and wasn't happy with myself even then. I also have at the bottom of the card what my therapist would say to me. It is that voice of assurance and kindness. I hope one day, I won’t need that card but it is there as long as I need it!